Here is something beautiful I found written by Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh.

It is from a deck of inspirational cards called 'Present moment, wonderful moment'

One way to relate to the food we eat...

card 32. Beginning to eat

With the first taste,

I offer joy

With the second, I help 

relieve the suffering

of others.

with the third, I see others'

joy as my own.

with the fourth, I learn

the way of letting go.

Alright

If I'm not careful this blog could turn into a facebook application.Yikes!!!
Writing Satwinder this blog is to focus on writing.

The memory of addiction

This short story brings in closure, again....

The memory of addiction

Kitsilano. Such a beautiful place to live. Friendly people, coffee shops. The ocean not far down from 4th Ave. You can see glimpses of the beach as you walk past different sized condos mixed in with the houses still in their original form from 50 years ago. Well maintained and manicured.

These are some of the pleasant memories I have of living in the Kitsilano area. Brought forth to me easily as I put up flyers on streetlight posts advertising my friends moving company.

Everything is seen from a completely different perspective now, as I live my life free from drug addiction. 14 months clean. Ya!

As I put up another flyer, I look down a familiar alley. Oh yeah....I remember this alley....one of the many that my partner and I would travel down in the never ending search for bottles.

Perferably 2L's and plastic (because they're lighter). There were 2 kinds of hits that I and my boyfriend loved. The first and by far the best was a hit of heroin, the second was a hit of about 20 or 30 dollars worth of beer cans that somebody had just left in the ally and were meant for me and Steve. To us at the time, it was a godsend. We were the only ones meant to find this gift. Me and Steve the 'gift' along with our other 'treasures' would than proceed to find the shortest distance between us and the liquor store so we could 'liquidate' our bottles into cash and continue on our journey of the never ending search for hits.

Once the connection was made with the dealer, we would head back to one of our preferred places to fix. Usually a condo with a stairwell heading down into their parking lot. Never a busy place plus good access to clean water from the garden tap.

Fixing drugs: A very strong memory of addiction. It can also be a dangerous one. It depends on your perception at the time of the thought. Its kind of ironic though that something as unhealthy and with such dire consequences as fixing drugs in an ally way can also be incredibly seductive.

But not today. I look at the women of my past in my memory and thank God for my sobriety. How many years had I lived like that? Far to many and yet not enough to kill me.

My life today is so totally different. A life I could only dream of as an addict. Completely unattainable or so I thought. I found the silver lining in my cloud.

Perception!!

A little bit of personal stuff

More and more writing from my past. Living with drug addiction and a food disorder.

As I reread  these early recovery writings I can relate now to how truly misunderstood I felt.

Today I'm 5 years clean from drugs while the food disorder is still an on going challenge.

I welcome anyone who would like to connect with me about what they may be going threw with addiction or maybe just to comment on this blog or exchange writing.

Leave a message in the comment space.

This next poem I wrote when I had just moved out of a recovery house. I was 7 months clean from heroin & cocaine

Blindsided

Blindsided by you again and again

Take a chance you say with the contact sport of friendship

but its a dangerous game and I don't want to play.

Everybody's maneuvering into position.

Will my defenses be to weak?

Nobody likes to be blindsided

Its up to me I know

sometimes though...

I  don't know...

I begin to wonder why?

Just when I feel I'm beginning to understand and to have faith in the 

powers that be...

I'm blindsided by an unexpected blow from an unexpected 

source and my belief system that I built so strong...begins  to waiver in

stability.

My will or Gods will?

sometimes the line seems so fine. 

 

Obsession

Obsessions
Desires consume me
Dirty little secrets.
They sit in the corner within me and laugh.
I want.
Its all so physical.
Animalistic reactions.
Killer instinct.
Its frightening.
Where my mind won't go
My body takes control

Manifest

Manifest

Manifest this! Manifest that!

Baby, I want to manifest. What a wonderfully
powerful word.

Say it ten times fast!!

This is differently my word for the month! No. The year! No. The rest of my
Life!!

I can manifest anything I want.

Ask and you shall have.

Just ask the universe.

If we have enough faith that the universe will provide for us think of the
Immensity of possibilities we could create,
not just for you and me but for
every living creature, tree or rock on this planet.

True freedom the making?

What a beautiful world this would be and it begins with that first twinkle of a thought Filled with light.

Yes! I can.


Manifesting is done all the time.
Everything you dream or wish.
Every thought or idea that we think and comes true has been manifested by you at some level of your conciseness, so why not go one step further?

Expand the mind to the limitless. Set the seed of the true empowered nature of our spirit.

One soul at a time.

The universe is here to provide for us.

Yes! I would like to have enough money so I can live a comfortable life, along with all
The other interests and opportunities that are assessable to us but why stop their?

We have the power within us as a group conscience to change the world as we know it but why stop there?

If we truly believe we can access the universes energy and light than we have the ability to affect change not only on this planet but on every level of awareness here or anyplace else that’s in existence.
Now that’s an empowering thought? Isn’t it?


True freedom.


Manifested by the believe that anything is possible.

Fractured

Are you sure you want to know?

Face to face within myself.
The mirror stares back accusing me.
My illusion becomes distorted as it
cracks like ice, lying around me like
shattered fragmented pieces.
The sharp edges remind me of where
I used to be when:

Betrayal followed trust.

Honesty included deceit

Love was intwined with hate

Safety in delusion was my illusion
when truth overwelmed me with
fear

Suicide hit

Give me a hit

Give it to me!

I don't care if it hurts

I want a direct hit.

I want a suicide Fix

Give me that line

that will blow my mind.

Take me out.

I just don't care

Take me

Take me....any where but here

Uncontrolled emotions

Desperate pain

My physic can't stand it

Living in my rigid sense of realality

I want that suicide fix

Absolute kayos

Like spinning around on a rotisserie

borderline madness,

takes me to the edge.

the punisher within brings

me one step closer to hell.

what a mind fuck

and I always survive

Trust

Testing testing 1, 2, 1, 2 testing...

take a break, your not really flying the plane anyways
give yourself a rest

don't give up

God is with you always
Believe this Satwinder and everything will be alright.

I love you

Nobody, nowhere

Nobody nowhere

My comfort zone on the street

No one can touch me

because I'm not their

My zone is closed to all who care

Especially if you want to make me

a somebody, somewhere

Seeking Self

My inclination has been self annihilation

A voracious appetite of my senses

always searching
for the ultimate self serving agenda

I've done a good job

The comatose blanket covers me well

My sense of self has been smothered

My sense of colour has been dulled to gray

I've bullied myself in to an uneasy suppression

My heart still pounds though- waiting....waiting
waiting for me to take a breath.

nameless

Fleeting thoughts escape

Vanishing into an assortment
of scattered memories

The past, always the past

A sense of lose. A moment of peace
A lonely love affair abandoned
A journey yet complete

Sadness embraces

Sapphire

Sapphire

Blue fire

He humbles me

Shifts into motion reminiscent to liquid

I'm in awe

I'v placed him under the soft glowing light
of my lamp on my desk.

Magnified in brilliance

His home is amplified by the glass

My muse

Sleek

Midnight black and sapphire

His fanned tail crimped silk

Silently gliding threw his world

Poised and graceful

We spend the afternoon together in peaceful
meditation

I am blessed

Being There

Being There

How do we know?

Just to know whether I'm here or their, is love

Love is love

But, how do I know if I don't understand?


Confusion is love
Pain is love
Powerlessness is love
Anger & frustration is love
Judgement is love
Acceptance is love

Turning the lights one by one. Is love

The wonders that we create in all our splendor into
the everlastiing expansion of unconditional love

It just doesn't matter
Matter doesn't matter

Just being there

Is love

The war within the addict

Another day. Another war

When I wake up, I know

at one point during the day I'll

be in combat.

The war of all wars

Tears will be shed.

Blood expelled threw the spears of comflict

Pressure

Heart Palpitations

My breath stops short within my chest

Where do you hide when fear is knocking

at your door?

I can feel the silence

I can't stand the noise

Not feeling very inspired

Peep, peep

Just a little peep.

Geepers creepers where’d you get those peepers?

Help me find my inspiration. Please. I seemed to have misplaced it somewhere.

I’ll just have to peep, peep, peep, till I get it back.

Row, Row, Row your boat gently down the stream. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily Merrily, Life’s about a dream.

Just another frustration to add to all the others.

I think that last comment deserves a squawk. Instead of a peep.

Little Bo Peep lost her sheep. Hey! Maybe my inspiration wandered off with Bo Peeps sheep.

How does that rhyme go again … does she ever find her sheep?

Peep. Peep.

No peeps aloud from other peeping people.

Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy. A kid’ll eat ivy to. Wouldn’t you?

I think my inner child is trying to tell me something.

She’s peeping in nursery rhyme code though.

Star light. Star bright. First star I see tonight. I wish I may. I wish I might. Wish the wish I wish tonight.

Good night. My little one.

Sleep in peace.

The crash

The Crash

Shifting through turbulence,
A free and easy glide begins to sputter as my wings tipped of balance trying to compensate for the down draft.

This wasn’t supposed to happen…. I can’t seem to pull my nose up…. That’s it...
I’m going down head first… I’m going to crash… I’m going to die…someone save me…

Heightened sensitivity as the awareness of the process sets in.
The crash is complete as I coast into the familiar restraints of an uneasy mind

Curled up into a little ball on the couch I’ve tucked my toes in deep underneath the cushions. The rest of me leans sideways on the armrest with my head tilted so I can focus on the TV.
White noise of distraction flows from the screen connecting to my psyche creating a state of semi-conscious hypnosis
Held by the glare, I’ve reached the stagnated stare of withdrawal.
Time ticks on in short intervals between wake and sleep.
The shadowy evening becomes a blessing

The grace of night begins; glimmering threw the skylight above me. The same stars are always there. Like little pin holes in the darkened sky letting a little bit of light shine threw.
I’ve captured a reprieve.
Flickers of light held by the dark of the night in my skylight.
My companions, staying with me during my hours of self-imposed isolation.
They showed me the way through their luminous glow … a new pathway into flight.

Touch

To touch you is to heal me

Heal me with your touch

My hands begins to reach for you

I can feel my body transform

Two bodies - two souls

A connection

I'll abandon my will for you

touch me

Listening

Creating my own life, on my terms. With the primal word of truth

Speaking to my soul. I am



I am listening to you now; I am listening to you now.
I am listening to my body cry out in despair of error and pain
Stay with me, stay with me and listen to your voice.

Your separation is an illusion.

There is no disorder. There is only the divine plan.

Earth, Water, Fire, Ether and Air
I sleep, breath and eat.

Greed, Lust, Anger, Attachment and pride
I sleep breath and eat

Truth, dignity, compassion, neutrality and gratitude
I sleep, breath and eat
There is known attachments just polarities and duality.

This is what I’m composed of. These are the elements I’m made of.
I cannot really purge myself of anything because I am what I purge.

I am what I consume and I am what I eliminate

Open your ears to hear your own lover’s songs from the heart in unison with creation.

Crying out to you to please stop wounding me your sacred body.
Don’t touch me; everything is on fire with burning rage.

Feel the duality instigated by anger

Fire, the light. The light inside the body. Digestion. The gift of sight.

Nourishment and growth of the body.

Feed yourself with tenderness and affection. Give yourself kindness and understanding.

Allow yourself the learning process that is taking you threw the stages you need for the awareness you seek.

Feel the polarity

Spiritual illumination will heal you of your self imposed separation.

You cannot be soiled

You cannot be stagnant or burned or polluted or unattached.


Powerful influences. You have. You’re in good companion.

For there is one creator who has created this creation and I am one with all.

Disorder

Disturbingly satisfying

Even though

The disease of addiction

brings on the disorder of my eating

which continues the compulsion

to continuously throw-up (I mean

purge myself of food)

As disgusting as this seems

A habit is a habit

and so....

disregarding my best interest

and the despairing looks from my peers

I continue to binge and purge.

Addiction

Addiction

The demon of the disease

Addiction

by the time the awareness is their the vice holds strong and tightens

Addiction

I'm at war with my fears

Dark shadows

One step behind me

I'm in the fight for my life for the flight of my spirit

God knows I'm trying

Over stimulated by my own anxiety

Where's the balance?

Sweet peace envelop me

Almost like death

The Waiting Game

I'm not quite sure why....but I know I'm waiting.

I've been waiting all my life in fact. I just didn't know it.

Waiting.

Even before I was born

I was waiting,

While I was a tiny fetus in the warm womb of my mother

Waiting.

Infant. Waiting...

and so it goes.

One continuous lifelong motion in wait.

The one major problem with living life in wait but not knowing it is filling all those agonizingly incessant quadrillion seconds while you wait.

well, I think we all know what happens to people when were bored and impatient.

Right?

Ya. We start to think of creative ways to fill the void.

we have an unlimited access with the 'all that is energy' when we were given free will. Kind of like a platinum credit card.

just write it off as free will!!! I'll deal with the consequences muuuch late tarrr!

And so it goes on. The waiting game.

I don't know what I'm waiting for but I sure do want to do it right.

Trying to figure out the rules of the game though

Mmmmmm. Tough call.

Especially from the perception of a child. You really don't know who's out maneuvering whom when your young...

so, the void has been tentively laid out with a plan by the time you hit your teens.

from a child's perspective...

the waiting becomes more conscious now though, as were pressured by our surroundings to conform to society's expectations of accomplishments.

the meaning of life also come into play.

A little bit of confusion there.

Now were searching and waiting.

Mmmmmm. Time to make a detour

Escaping from the wait in itself almost became my life's ambition.

So many ways to detour and zillions and zillions of seconds to help me fill that void of wait.

The game almost became suspended as I coasted into oblivion with my zillions of seconds.

I like to describe it as my years in an altered state of consciousness.

I had reached my 40's when I finally broke free from my mmmmm....

extended siesta. Just to find out the game of wait had marched right along beside me.

Waiting.

Patiently waiting. Waiting for me. Waiting all my life. maybe even many life times. Could even have been since the beginning of the formation of thought itself.

Wow! that must make me a very important person.

and I am. I am because I'm a part of you and you and you. My strength is in knowing that I'm a part of every thing our consciousness has to offer.

Now that is awe-inspiring. Magnificently powerful. With endless possibilities.

I won.

Beauty lies within

Beauty lies within

A simple beautiful phrase

and yet with this beauty lies

all my secrets, all my sorrow

all my sadness and fear....

I pick up beauty and hold her close

to my heart

Beauty is sleeping, in the land of my dreams

She's just a child

I take her hand

and we smile

Power Poem

Your words hit me like a thunderbolt

They pearse my heart and I bleed

You turn my power against me

I become the words that you spew

I feel rancid and unworthy



How dare you justify your anger at my expense



I'll take my power back!



I can!



I'll become the person I know I can be

I'll be the person you fear me to be

Your words will still pearce my heart and

my heart will still bleed



I will bleed empathy for your pain, sorrow for your fear,

love for the beauty I see within you



I will pray with love in my heart for you



because I can

New Beginnings

Yes!... I did wake up...and I AM still breathing...Its a miracle!!!!

A new day has dawned. My first choice of the day?

Do I stay crumpy or do I shift into a more productive mode of being?.....I'm feeling better already as I write these words....Its another miracle!!!

....and thank-you for this beautiful day

Close out

Close Out

I feel

Shut down

Its real.....

to real.....

I feel

I have no way to deal with real.

True Blue

True blue

I see

The honesty that draws me close

Inspired by you

Your face, it changes

bright, expressive, contagious

The laughter of a child

Your face is so alive

True blue, covered in light

I love you

Love & Light

Patty